*Little Death* 09/21/2015

A sigh
After so much
Relearning to just sit
To unhurt
And feel the coolness of icewater
Lick my guts

Learning to live in the stillness
Again
Without needing or conversation
Without wondering
What she's thinking
And why
If this is loving
Why is it so full of hurting

It isn't worth it anymore
To play along
To exert effort upon effort
Upon something so distant
Towards somebody that keeps moving
Dodging my heart like the enemies
Loveplated bullets

See how far and how much
How many times the downs
Can turn into ups
And the chest pains
And liver pains
Will let me up

Empty
Gutted out my penis
By her sugar scented breath
The constant nightlong cuddles
Attempted unto limb atrophy
The fake smile held upon face
Sending forth condolences
Upon condolences
Until empty
Silent breathing

The hurt
That's supposed to help
And prevent future hurt
Just a pause button for more hurt
Forgot the lesson of pain
In the game of love
Insane buried in mud
Prayin for rain

Sit muddled unmuddling
Okaying the not OK
Just focus on falling and waking
In a centered state
And look forward to a little something
During the day
Even if its just the ice water
Even if its the thought
The truth

That she's just way better off
And my ending is just her start
A beginning my ending
Like it always was
Like I'm used to
Sang he who's been the boogeyman
He who knows the strengths
The benefits and lessons
In all ego deaths
In each broken heart