*Little Death* 09/21/2015

A sigh
After so much
Relearning to just sit
To unhurt
And feel the coolness of icewater
Lick my guts

Learning to live in the stillness
Again
Without needing or conversation
Without wondering
What she's thinking
And why
If this is loving
Why is it so full of hurting

It isn't worth it anymore
To play along
To exert effort upon effort
Upon something so distant
Towards somebody that keeps moving
Dodging my heart like the enemies
Loveplated bullets

See how far and how much
How many times the downs
Can turn into ups
And the chest pains
And liver pains
Will let me up

Empty
Gutted out my penis
By her sugar scented breath
The constant nightlong cuddles
Attempted unto limb atrophy
The fake smile held upon face
Sending forth condolences
Upon condolences
Until empty
Silent breathing

The hurt
That's supposed to help
And prevent future hurt
Just a pause button for more hurt
Forgot the lesson of pain
In the game of love
Insane buried in mud
Prayin for rain

Sit muddled unmuddling
Okaying the not OK
Just focus on falling and waking
In a centered state
And look forward to a little something
During the day
Even if its just the ice water
Even if its the thought
The truth

That she's just way better off
And my ending is just her start
A beginning my ending
Like it always was
Like I'm used to
Sang he who's been the boogeyman
He who knows the strengths
The benefits and lessons
In all ego deaths
In each broken heart

*Sandman's Song* 12/02/2012
Wanting eternal winter
Seeking another ice age
Single white male seeking speedy execution
Death wish, damn this life. Arrghhh
Exhausted sea sick sitting solitary
Sartre's nausea sprinkled with
Marxist materialism, Staind lyrics
Sung beside Soul Asylums
" so long ago i don't remember when"
" because inside you're ugly- step"
"You're ugly like me- to the ledge"
Seeing modern conformity as below me
Been there. Done that. Don't want it
Feeling better than everyone
Haughtiness hurts me worse than insanity
KNOW I've done this all on purpose, this
Place, this pain manufactured myself
Isn't anything i wish for or miss
To do or not to do--- the question
Out of sight out of mind equals oppression
Unless minds are sour from parasitic
Consumerism. Thirty Decembers I've studied
Pain, Rage, Love, relationships, happiness
Hurt realest emotion I've experienced
Crack fiend speed walking Las Vegas
Streets. Meth addict missing teeth and heart
Beats. Captive caged inside modern day
Dungeon. Drunk on it, staggering
Drueling deprived so deep
Me and mine. Where last name becomes
Ones crime. Want this? Do you?
This only thing left me, expressing
Diseased western societies downfall
In rhyme. String Theory beside Spiral Nebula
As humanity starves to death
Suicides, cries out for something
Anything. " god give us a reason please"
To be. Nothing. Happy. Nothing. Except
Wanting things. Taking things from
Third World, oppressed, coal colored "things"
My people. My species. My holidays
Are days held in infamy, are
Nights those i loved chose sleeping
Eternally instead of continuing faking
Happy feelings in front of fascist T.V.s
Saddest part is wanting t.v., me, even
Though knowing the adverts and propaganda
Showing. Painful piece understanding
Pornography, Playboy and womens oppression
But still seeking, peeking clandestinely
Wanting it, needing it, knowing its
Wrong. Its all wrong. Oppressive this
Emotion. All ive left, this love called
Oppression. Called sickness. Give me pistol
Bridge, train, suicide by cop. Violent
Violence silence sick materialist happiness

*Sahara* 12/08/2012
Caffine twitches during psychotropic sniffles
Intermittent comradeships between paranoid enemities
Witness one soul in us all screaming ABSURDITY
Given short end of stick since birth but still swimming
Making it in humorous interactions and trifles
We are just boys being caged by boys
Males punishing males for what males do
Dear cruel world ten years of my existance
I spent huddled around flexi-pens fighting this
I'm spent now, huddled in on myself seeking comfort
Seeking something other than this
Forgive me my stubborness, craziness and weakness
I miss things. I want things. I need things
Its taken me ten years to understand this
This mind. This body. This pain is
Pristine, poetic, put it on each second
Like a feather headdress, broken sunglasses
Came, saw, conquered, was conquered, left still looking
Did what was made to do, what had to do
Do you out there do what you do for others or you
Does doing things depend on who
What's left to be said, speaking of what's left
Empty inside, barren surroundings, fearing
Skin sand dune, bone basin, greasy leftover residue
Of blood left seeping into unforgiving cement
Nothing left but these eyes staring childish
This grin accepting what's next

*Hold Me* 10/15/2012
Sixteen soldiers can reannimate an idol
Revolutionary violence and study go hand in hand
More you are willing to die for revolution
More you will deepen knowledge seeking solution
Take torture remake it strengthen off it
Make death poetic end agitational statement
Let young know can kill flesh that's all
Live on in essays, hearts, minds poetically immortal
Bodily hungers surpassed by those for the people
Switching objectives scientifically as needed
Sniffing air ascertaining fear to target into
Lowered shoulders heightens heart rate like pow wow drum
Shrouded facial pain beneath sweat slicked skin
Veins in forearms like mighty root digging in
Body, mind willing as heart begins skipping beat
Everythings your last, better make finale' sweet
Internal laughter as suited swine tighten torture
Hurt me motherfuckers, that's right hurt me more
Return in kind in future all you can create
Build in this body and mind more reason to hate
Love for women diseased patriarchy thus far prevents
Causes this masculine skin objective to invent
Grey matter in back and brain tuned into species
Able to hold future in nerve cell prior to creating
Underneath these stars prison hallogens prevent seeing
Beside this mountain razor wire prevents touching
Progression knows these phenomenon are within reach
Must build and break superstructure slowly for offspring
Become beacon broadcasting intermittent energy
Huddle into this rock naked Morse Code like being
Fits and starts with fingers on insanities pulse
Control Unit Solitary I.M.U. creates and destroys me
Like suicide bomber blowing building then disappearing
Live like its my last breath modern day revolutionary
Live like revolutionary woman sleeps soundly beside me
Future exists already in the blood of our youth
Beware poisons young comrade as they enhance what you can't do
Learned one thing, isolation increases equal to ones progression
More one stands alone more you only count on you
Now bury these bones beside the rest and keep on
Masculine pain reearthed into feminine embrace

*Revolutionary* 09/28/2012
I eat when I'm hungry
I sleep when I'm tired
I do what i must do to survive
I train my body on a schedule
Wash myself only when dirty
My life is geared on slowly die
I sweep the floor daily
Cleanliness becomes best friend
Wrists chapped from rinsing underwater
I agitate like its my last essay
Chew bologni like its T-bone steak
Fresh black top laid outside plexi-glass
My red carpet for upcoming release
Air vents unplugged every centimeter
Cement shines like glistening emerald
Goatee and mustache twisted perfectly
Ponytail ponied beneath bleached bandana
Ingrown toenail removed with staple
Paranoia and pain eased by sweat
My mail feels sealed by monarchs
Opening each letter revealing seven secrets
Licking shut letters like building pyramid
Scribbling zip codes like death row pardons
Cucumber soap dances with ink fragrance
Scientific wind chime causes voices to sing
Mountain out window a clenched fist
Cold chills on skin standing ovation
Perfectly placed necessities spell combinations
Only hung peach blossom goddesses unlock
Voice box underground with months of disuse
Forebrain sizzling synapses to wrists
Pointer middle finger and thumb revolution
Scribbling game plans geographically induced
Pass out periodically easing tension in back
Body will tell you when its tired
Masculine skin requires imaginative attention
Cinder block shades sparkle in sun reflection
Lenin's tomb photo remembers ones past
Oxford dictionary thumbed well like hammer
Curl water-weighted mattress like swinging sickle
Sweat dripped cement smelling of earth
Stainless steel glistening with bleach
Live like everything holding me pushes me
Like the long march and Maos Arabian mounts withers
Trample these pigs smiling beside me

*Cultural Kinetics* 09/17/2012
Blood runs onto cold cement
Tears drip into plastic pillow
Heart squeezes this pain through tired vein
Brain surveys insane like thundercloud to rain
Back bent twisted inward loud popping twinges
Knees crack then snap, dying by inches
Stomach attacks hourly chewed on like bone
Kicked knee bends back, it just won't let go
When this pen bleeds beautifully creatively agitating
And this skin seeps salt creating my animation
Eyes of the hurricane building body, poem making
Can convince skin its not living alone
Able to outwit bourgeois nervous system
More one hurts because what kin created
More one wants to see kin failing
Technological advancements enhancing suffering
Take technology advance revolutionary beginning
Outwit halfwit palefaced sneering mustaches
Outlive fat fucks then recruit sons and daughters
Smile to those not believing solitary cell burning bright
Laser to lantern pigs better fear the night
String from sock hangs staple from letter
Revolutionary art spinning circles round recycled air
Find comfort in length and weight of uncut hair
Rusty steel door covered in postage stamps
Toothpaste sealed off infestation
Perpetual calander decades in advance waiting
Steady strengthen each second buried in isolation

*BORN AGAIN* 10/29/2012
From a womb to a room to a cell to a grave
From darkness to sun to darkness and death
Hurts me to breathe already at thirty
I hurt digesting, tasting--- hurts being me
Heart has been busted, breaks each second passing
Give me a gun and I'd end it, my truth, no laughing
Hurts walking, sitting, sleeping and thinking
Hurts me wondering why i hurt you for hurting me
She plays when dead serious, lies behind her loving
These eyes see deceiving and leaving in her believing
Pain from cradle to grave shoveled on me all sides
Worst part is people believe hurting me will save me
Been like this since birth, tough love, tough life
When all along looking for reason in real eyes
Read my gravestone curled fetal in bed at night
Feel those standing over me more question mark than cry
Even in all this desolation do not want to die
Do not want to play-act living society beside
Belong buried between two stages barely alive
This why remaining locked down deep inside
Doesn't bother building excuses to remain reasons why
Autopsy reveal brain, stomach, heart tumors
Notice doubled up nerve endings and vein capacity
Stomach twisted knots eating holes bloody lumpy
Spine cracked several places held together just barely
Knee tendons snapped so much numbed beyond nerves
Pupils nearsighted never looking beyond bricks
Died from deadly disease didn't know he was sick
Used to tremors, twitches, quivers, deadly bodily twinges
Frequent flyer miles sitting pretending living
Smile rictus no humor left in these teeth
Everything beyond this second too much to believe
Steady struggle with this feeling all i am capable
Gotta make it till tomorrow, survive it till mail call
Dwell on dead buried beings become brainwaves
He was my age, she was pretty, both bones now eternity sleeping
Will have nails filed perfect with teeth gleaming
All that brushing for nothing when worms begin feeding
Sleep dreams regress childhood places and memories
Gone back not forward welcome to institutionalizing
When reason to live taken build reasons not to die
Seasons drag like decades as years fly by
Monday today begins week of daylight savings
Dead walk hallows eve with millions captured waiting
Paceing, trick or treating, societies monsters or those imitating
Take candy for now before pigs begin chasing
Take pork young thug before broken entombed waiting
Comrades forgive unintentional cruelty lacking humanity
When like this eating self sometimes passes on chewing
So many buried before me, so many after
So like our bourgeois upbringing thinking one matters
Let one poem reach one poetic youthful revolutionary soldier
Allow one essay to create insight in future agitator
Spent life living for future being slowly devoured by my past
Been damned since birth, genesis all builders of life