*Little Death* 09/21/2015

A sigh
After so much
Relearning to just sit
To unhurt
And feel the coolness of icewater
Lick my guts

Learning to live in the stillness
Again
Without needing or conversation
Without wondering
What she's thinking
And why
If this is loving
Why is it so full of hurting

It isn't worth it anymore
To play along
To exert effort upon effort
Upon something so distant
Towards somebody that keeps moving
Dodging my heart like the enemies
Loveplated bullets

See how far and how much
How many times the downs
Can turn into ups
And the chest pains
And liver pains
Will let me up

Empty
Gutted out my penis
By her sugar scented breath
The constant nightlong cuddles
Attempted unto limb atrophy
The fake smile held upon face
Sending forth condolences
Upon condolences
Until empty
Silent breathing

The hurt
That's supposed to help
And prevent future hurt
Just a pause button for more hurt
Forgot the lesson of pain
In the game of love
Insane buried in mud
Prayin for rain

Sit muddled unmuddling
Okaying the not OK
Just focus on falling and waking
In a centered state
And look forward to a little something
During the day
Even if its just the ice water
Even if its the thought
The truth

That she's just way better off
And my ending is just her start
A beginning my ending
Like it always was
Like I'm used to
Sang he who's been the boogeyman
He who knows the strengths
The benefits and lessons
In all ego deaths
In each broken heart

*Sandman's Song* 12/02/2012
Wanting eternal winter
Seeking another ice age
Single white male seeking speedy execution
Death wish, damn this life. Arrghhh
Exhausted sea sick sitting solitary
Sartre's nausea sprinkled with
Marxist materialism, Staind lyrics
Sung beside Soul Asylums
" so long ago i don't remember when"
" because inside you're ugly- step"
"You're ugly like me- to the ledge"
Seeing modern conformity as below me
Been there. Done that. Don't want it
Feeling better than everyone
Haughtiness hurts me worse than insanity
KNOW I've done this all on purpose, this
Place, this pain manufactured myself
Isn't anything i wish for or miss
To do or not to do--- the question
Out of sight out of mind equals oppression
Unless minds are sour from parasitic
Consumerism. Thirty Decembers I've studied
Pain, Rage, Love, relationships, happiness
Hurt realest emotion I've experienced
Crack fiend speed walking Las Vegas
Streets. Meth addict missing teeth and heart
Beats. Captive caged inside modern day
Dungeon. Drunk on it, staggering
Drueling deprived so deep
Me and mine. Where last name becomes
Ones crime. Want this? Do you?
This only thing left me, expressing
Diseased western societies downfall
In rhyme. String Theory beside Spiral Nebula
As humanity starves to death
Suicides, cries out for something
Anything. " god give us a reason please"
To be. Nothing. Happy. Nothing. Except
Wanting things. Taking things from
Third World, oppressed, coal colored "things"
My people. My species. My holidays
Are days held in infamy, are
Nights those i loved chose sleeping
Eternally instead of continuing faking
Happy feelings in front of fascist T.V.s
Saddest part is wanting t.v., me, even
Though knowing the adverts and propaganda
Showing. Painful piece understanding
Pornography, Playboy and womens oppression
But still seeking, peeking clandestinely
Wanting it, needing it, knowing its
Wrong. Its all wrong. Oppressive this
Emotion. All ive left, this love called
Oppression. Called sickness. Give me pistol
Bridge, train, suicide by cop. Violent
Violence silence sick materialist happiness

*Sahara* 12/08/2012
Caffine twitches during psychotropic sniffles
Intermittent comradeships between paranoid enemities
Witness one soul in us all screaming ABSURDITY
Given short end of stick since birth but still swimming
Making it in humorous interactions and trifles
We are just boys being caged by boys
Males punishing males for what males do
Dear cruel world ten years of my existance
I spent huddled around flexi-pens fighting this
I'm spent now, huddled in on myself seeking comfort
Seeking something other than this
Forgive me my stubborness, craziness and weakness
I miss things. I want things. I need things
Its taken me ten years to understand this
This mind. This body. This pain is
Pristine, poetic, put it on each second
Like a feather headdress, broken sunglasses
Came, saw, conquered, was conquered, left still looking
Did what was made to do, what had to do
Do you out there do what you do for others or you
Does doing things depend on who
What's left to be said, speaking of what's left
Empty inside, barren surroundings, fearing
Skin sand dune, bone basin, greasy leftover residue
Of blood left seeping into unforgiving cement
Nothing left but these eyes staring childish
This grin accepting what's next